Very strange

So I ovulated on Thursday and that evening when G. and I were gettin’ busy, I started bleeding.  I have no idea what it’s from, so naturally I did some research.  Apparently some women spot when they ovulate, but I never have before.  And this wasn’t really spotting, it was bleeding.  Not quite like a period, but still, more than just spotting.  And I’ve been spotting ever since.  I suppose I could call my doctor and see if they have any ideas, but I don’t see the point.  If I were still bleeding like I was, maybe I’d go, but it’s more of a brown spotting now like I had before my second miscarriage.  Very weird.

Last Saturday, I was out and saw a woman I’ve known for years and years.  She’s pregnant after having three miscarriages herself, and due in November, right around the time I would have been due with my third pregnancy.  I feel awful for feeling depressed about this.  I mean, I’m happy for her, she’s obviously been through a lot herself, but seeing her showing, all I could think about was how I’d be showing now, too if I hadn’t miscarried.  I could hardly bring myself to look at her because it made me feel sad.  Which of course makes me feel guilty.  I know it’s normal to feel this way, but I was actually surprised by how sad I felt.

On Sunday I asked G. what we should do next if I can’t stay pregnant.  Should we try IVF?  Should we adopt?  He doesn’t want to talk about it, but I feel like I should start preparing myself in case it never happens for us.  I keep feeling like it must happen someday, because they never found anything wrong, but there are a whole bunch of other tests we could take if we wanted to, where they check our DNA and other stuff I’ve read about.

I read today in the paper that an acupuncturist just opened up shop here and I’m considering going.  I’ve read about some women who swear that acupuncture worked for them, but that was more for getting pregnant, which I don’t seem to have a problem with.  But it can’t hurt, right?  I’ll have to check on their prices.

As far as the house-hunting is going, we’ve run into some problems with the house we made an offer on.  Basically, the bank that owns it (it’s a foreclosure) won’t respond to our offer.  They won’t refuse it or counter-offer, they’re just not responding.  Our agent is extremely angry at the selling agent because she won’t return any of his calls.  Why would I assume that anything in my life would happen easily?  I should know better by now.

Hopefully that situation will get settled.  I didn’t plant any flowers at our house here because if we’re going to be moving, I didn’t want the expense, but now it might be too late to plant any by the time we actually move.  Oh, well.  I’m trying not to worry about it (and see how well that’s working out?).  At least we have someplace to live and it’s not like we’re going to get kicked out or need to move out in a certain time frame.

So next Friday is testing day.  I’m in doubt that this cycle was successful, based on the bleeding and all.  But we’ll see.  I can hope, anyway.

Here and gone

Last Tuesday morning I woke up early and decided to take a pregnancy test. My period was due that day, and usually I wait until it’s at least a day or two late, but with us leaving for Minnesota on Wednesday night, I just decided to go for it. Imagine my surprise when it was positive. The line was very, very faint, which I assumed was from taking the test earlier than I normally do. I was excited, of course, and so was G., but I have to say that it didn’t feel real, you know? It’s like all of these losses are making me numb. Because the line was so faint, G. asked if I would take another test on Wednesday morning and I agreed. This time the line was much darker, and he really believed it.

I started feeling pregnant, too, with the constant hunger and the weird pressure. So Thursday afternoon we arrived at my friend’s house in Minnesota. My other friend was there and we were trying on the bridesmaid dresses for her wedding. They were mentioning about how I’d ordered my dress larger, just in case, so I told them. I hadn’t wanted to, but we were planning to go out for a mini bachelorette party, and I knew that they would know anyway when I didn’t drink.

Thursday night I started having cramping. By the time I went to bed, I was spotting, and my heart just dropped. My period arrived Friday morning. I’m just so angry about this, and yet, I’m glad it happened right away instead of waiting to find out at 12 weeks like my first two, or the pain and bleeding at 7 weeks like my third. If I have to have a miscarriage, this is the type I’d prefer.

I just never thought that I would have 4 miscarriages. I honestly thought after my first that the second would be fine. Then I thought, well, third time’s the charm. This time I figured because of all of the supplements I’m on from the RE that everything would work out.

I’m just sad. I know I only knew I was pregnant for three days, but still. It’s hard. My due date would have been February 2. My friend that we went to visit told us that she and her husband have decided to start trying this month. If it works out for her, I’ll be so happy for her and yet so sad for me.

G.’s cousin gave us her crib and changing table and we went last night to pick them up because they’d been storing them in their garage. I feel so weird having all of this stuff for a baby, but no baby. Hopefully soon things will work out. I’m just tired and sad and frustrated by the entire situation.

On a happier note, G. and I are going to offer on a house we looked at. So if everything goes well, we could be buying our first house this summer. That will at least provide me with a pretty big distraction. One of my friends told me that there’s a saying that when you buy a new house you have a new baby. We’ll see about that.

Taking a break

So I’ve taken a break from blogging for awhile.  No particular reason why, I just decided to stop thinking about getting pregnant and all of that.  It’s hard to just keep thinking about my miscarriages all the time, you know?  And with summer coming on, we’ve been busier more, getting outside, stuff like that.  The weather here hasn’t warmed up a whole lot yet, but it’s supposed to be in the 70s this weekend, which will be wonderful.

The weekend after Memorial Day we’re heading out to Minneapolis to visit my girlfriend and her husband.  I’m really looking forward to it.  We’re going to go shopping at the Mall of America and just relax and have fun.

It turns out that I didn’t have that infection I talked about before, which was kind of a letdown.  I kind of hoped that I would have had it because it would have been an easy solution and we’d have the definite answer, you know what I mean?  As it is now, I guess I just hope that all of these vitamins are doing their jobs and that everything will be fine the next time, whenever that is.

In ovulation news, I ovulated last Tuesday and now have a bad cold.  I have no idea if a cold will affect getting pregnant.  I’d like to call my doctor to ask, but I guess I’ll just wait until next week when I’ll know.  But if I get pregnant while sick, will that affect the baby?  I haven’t taken any cold medicine just in case I’m pregnant, but I’d like to know whether sickness affects fertilization or the embryo.  I did a brief search online but I only found how major diseases and illnesses affect it.  Well, if it happens, it happens, right?  That’s about where I am right now.  Which is maybe a good thing.  Less stress and all that.

We’ve been house hunting, too, which has been taking up a lot of our time, and is another source of stress for us.  Ah, well.  I’m just glad summer is almost here.  It is by far my most favorite time of the year.

Appointment wrap-up

On Monday, G and I headed to meet with the RE. He was really nice, very easy to talk to, and made me feel very comfortable. He looked over all of my charts and said he was going to test me for ureaplasma , which he said I should have been tested for after my first miscarriage. I have kind of heard of ureaplasma before, but one of the first things I did when I got home was to look it up (here’s some basic info about it, if you’re interested).  It’s frustrating to see how common it is and yet I wasn’t checked for it earlier.  The treatment for that is antibiotics, which is a nice, simple solution. But if it does turn out that I do have that, I’m going to be pissed at my doctor’s office for not checking that. I talked to my mom about it (who works for an OBGYN), and she said that the doctor there always checks for it after a miscarriage.

Aside from that, the RE thinks that I am probably really deficient in a lot of vitamins and minerals. I’m taking high amounts of vitamin D3, C, iodine, selenium and calcium along with my prenatal vitamin. I’m also not supposed to drink city water because of the chlorine in it, unless it’s filtered. So weird. His point was that some people are just more sensitive to certain things than others, so we might as well rule that all out.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess I’ll just wait until I hear about the results. I’ve started taking my temperature again and, according to my chart, we could have timed this cycle right. I’m not really letting myself think about that at all until Monday, when I’m supposed to get my period. We’ll see how things stand then.

Oh, I just have to vent. I love my mother. I really, really do. So imagine my surprise when I mentioned about how I wouldn’t be drinking this weekend (we’re supposed to go to my aunt’s for a birthday party), just in case. Now she knows I’m taking all these vitamins, I’ve stopped drinking frickin’ city water for cryin’ out loud, but she says to me, “Well, you know, it probably wouldn’t hurt anything if you did drink.” I couldn’t believe it. Why would I take the chance? Why would I risk anything going wrong? I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged. I still can’t believe she’d say that. Anyway, I’ll let you know what I hear about the tests.

Miscarriage, version 3.2

So I thought my miscarriage was over, except for some lingering pain, but last Tuesday when I was getting ready for bed, I began to have cramping which wouldn’t go away.  I took some of my pain pills, but it didn’t help and soon I was in the bathroom in excruciating pain.  I didn’t know what to do, so I called my doctor and asked if what I was experiencing was normal.  She said, “No, that’s not normal,” and told me I should go to the emergency room.

G and I headed for the hospital at about 11:30, with G driving and me in the passenger seat with an ice cream bucket on my lap.  I was sick the entire way to the hospital, but when we were about a block away from the hospital, I was sick a final time and realized that I was feeling better.  So then I didn’t know if I should go in or just go home.  G said we should probably just go in because I’d been having pains ever since the miscarriage.  So I went and signed in and while we were waiting to get registered, I went to use the bathroom.  I passed something only a bit smaller than my fist, and felt instantly better.  I went back out and told them that I’d decided to just go home.

What was that about?  I don’t know if that was leftover tissue or what.  It was painful, whatever it was.  It really, truly felt like I was having another miscarriage.  I really, really hope that this RE can figure out what’s going on because I do not want to go through that ever again.

I’ve been having my hCG levels checked every week, even though I said I didn’t want to.  (Insert eye-roll at myself here.)  Last week’s draw was at 124.  Hopefully it’s down below 5 before we visit the RE so that we can have our tests done right away.  I’m not good with waiting, and the waiting for these results is going to be agony, especially if they take 3 weeks to come in, like the lasts ones did.

It’s been interesting filling out the questionnaires for our visit.  And I’m not sure what to put for half the questions, especially the ones about our diet.  It asks how much caffeine I drink, but that depends, because during my period and the first week of my cycle, I’ll drink some Mountain Dew, but then I stop until my period comes again.  So what do I put for that?

Anyway, I’m glad it’s finally over, and my temperature has dropped.  Does anyone else chart their BBT?  And if so, does the underside of your tongue get really sore from the thermometer?  I don’t know if I’m like shoving the thermometer too far back or what.  Maybe I just need to build up a callus. 

Try, try again

I had my miscarriage on Tuesday.  It was awful.  I seriously hope that I never have to go through that again.  I’m still having bouts of pain, and I’m not sure what that’s all about, but hopefully it stops soon.

I have an appointment on April 21 to see the reproductive endocrinologist. G and I both have pages and pages of forms to fill out, and some of the things they want to know seem really odd to me.  They want to know how much aluminum is in my deodorant (mine is aluminum-free, because it makes me break out), whether I have a poor sense of smell (which I do, but how that ties in to infertility, I have no idea), and all sorts of information about my diet, my cycles and my life.  G’s forms ask what type of underwear he wears, how long he sits per day, all sorts of things.  I’m really hoping that this guy can figure out the problem and I’m really looking forward to meeting with him.

I still haven’t told my mom about my pregnancy or miscarriage, but we’ve told G’s parents and I told my boss and HR person at work.  Isn’t that weird?  I will tell her eventually, but I guess I’m waiting for her to call me so that I know she has time to talk.  My mom is such a busy person and isn’t much of a phone conversationalist.  I think our longest phone call ever lasted maybe 10 minutes.  Most of the time when I call, she’s in the middle of something.  And while I know she loves me, she’s not the most demonstrative person.  When we told G’s parents, his mom said that she loves me and will be thinking and praying for us.  My mom would be more apt to say, “Well, you’ll just have to keep trying.”  And while I know she means well, I’m just not really ready to hear that just yet.

Anyway, I’m just really hoping that good things come out of our meeting with the RE.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but like I said before, both of the people who met with this guy had success right away.  Seems like a good sign to me!

Just some sad ramblings

I’m so sad and angry this time around, much more than last time.  I’m not sure why, exactly.  I guess I just really had my hopes pinned on the progesterone helping out, especially after the specialist recommended that.  I feel much more unsure now, about where we go from here.  Last time I was much more accepting of what was going to happen and how long it would take.  Now, I just want this miscarriage over so we can start trying all over again.

It’s so frustrating.  It’s so hard to feel like there’s something wrong with me, like there’s a reason that I can’t stay pregnant.  I know it’s not true, I know that it’s not my fault, but I just want to find out what’s going on.  I don’t know if they’ll ever figure out why I’m having these miscarriages, so I might just have to accept that. I don’t know what tests are left to take, I haven’t even seen my doctor yet.  I’ve checked out some books from the library about miscarriage, to try to learn more about this, about what tests I should ask for.

A guy that I work with, his wife had 5 miscarriages that I know of.  I’m planning to talk to him to find out who their doctor was and what tests they had.  I’m just so anxious to move forward and get past this.

This weekend I said to G., “Imagine if we’d started trying to get pregnant as soon as we got married.  I wonder what would have happened?”  I wonder if I would have had these miscarriages then, or if I would have a baby now.  It’s not something I really want to think about, because what’s the point?  But I wonder.  I never thought I would be in this position.  But does any woman? When G. and I were first together and talking about children, I said how I had wanted to have our first when I was about 26, and the second at about 29.  Now I’ll be lucky to have the first by 29.  But that’s what I get for trying to plan something so complex, right?  With our first, I had wanted a spring baby, so we waited to try until my due date would be in April and it worked!

My mom asked me before I got measured for my bridesmaid dress two weeks ago if we were going to wait to try again until after the wedding.  I didn’t say anything because I was pregnant, but I have no intention of waiting and I was surprised that she would expect me to.  Even if I get pregnant right away again, I’ll only be 4 months pregnant at the wedding, so I wouldn’t need a bigger dress.  They have an empire waist, so even if I’m starting to show, it should be fine.

Well, this has helped me organize my thoughts and get out some of my anger and frustration.  It’s especially handy when no one knows about this, and gives G. a break from hearing my ranting. 

Another loss

First of all, I’d just like to thank everyone for their thoughts.  Unfortunately, we’ve had some bad news.  When the bleeding didn’t stop or taper off by Friday, my doctor’s office asked me to go to the emergency room, so I spent 5 hours there on Friday afternoon.  Sadly, our little guy didn’t have a heartbeat, and I’ve been bleeding ever since.  I’m just in such shock.  I didn’t honestly think that this would be the conclusion to this pregnancy.

When we went for the ultrasound at the hospital, I was still hoping that everything would turn out ok.  I figured that the bleeding was from the hematoma, which I’d read could cause scary bleeding.  The ultrasound tech insisted on checking my ovaries and measuring everything first before looking for the baby, but then when she was finally looking into my uterus, I could see the baby, but there was no flickering heartbeat.  The baby was measuring bigger–6w4d–but I don’t know if that’s because the ultrasound machine was better or what.

My hCG levels were measuring somewhere in the 7,000 range, I don’t remember exactly, and I’m supposed to get them checked again tomorrow, but what’s the point?  They’ll want me to come in once a week to get my levels checked until they’re below 5 again, but I think I’m just going to go every other week.  What’s the point?  I’m not willing to pay for that many tests when it could take a month for them to drop.  I don’t know.  I’m sure I’m just feeling depressed.  Like I said before, my symptoms were completely different this pregnancy than my others, so I guess I was just hoping it would work out this time.

When I got home on Friday, we called for pizza because neither of us felt like making anything.  While G. went to pick it up, I was flipping through channels and came across a movie that was playing where a woman was taking a pregnancy test and then ran out to her husband and said, “I’m pregnant!”  And I just lost it.  I realized that I will never have that again.  I will never feel that joy when I see a positive test.  There will be some joy, but it will be tempered by anxiety, fear and sadness.

I let myself believe that the first two were just flukes, but now that I’m about to have a third, I have to face it that there must be some sort of problem.  Even though my doctor didn’t find anything on the initial tests, I’ll be having more tests now. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but that specialist I met with suggested that we have some sort of DNA profile where they’ll check to see whether G. and I have DNA that is too similar or something like that, which would cause me to reject his genetic material.  And then I guess we’ll also be going to meet with an RE now.

I’m so glad that we never told anyone about my pregnancy.  I think we’ll tell our parents, but that’s it. I’m dreading the actual miscarriage, but I still have the pain pills from last time, so I’ll be sure to take one right when it starts this time.  I know what to expect this time, but that won’t make it any easier, I know.  Hopefully, though, it happens soon.

And hopefully I get pregnant again soon and it works out this time.  I know I can get pregnant, it’s staying pregnant that seems to be the problem.  I just want to find out what is wrong so it can be fixed.

Bring on the drama

At about 1:00 this afternoon, I started bleeding.  A lot.  Great gushing amounts of blood.  I called the radiology department where I had my appointment scheduled for tomorrow, and they got me in at 2:30.  I changed into the gowns they make you wear and went into the ultrasound room and blood started just pouring out of me, all down my legs, onto my socks and the floor.  It was so embarrassing.  They brought me new gowns and some pads to hold between my legs while we got the ultrasound under way.  The pelvic scan showed nothing, of course, which I told them wouldn’t, but they had to do it anyway, for whatever reason.  So then we got down to the vaginal scan, and there it was: a tiny baby and a flickering heartbeat.

I was telling myself to hope for the best but convinced I was having another miscarriage, what with all of the blood, so to see that in there was a shock.  The baby’s heart rate was 120 bpm, and he or she is measuring at 6w1d, which adjusts my due date to Nov. 12.  I went right up to my doctor’s office, where I sat for 15 minutes until they sent me home and said they’d call.  I should’ve known that that’s what would happen, after all the crap I get from that office.  The nurse called me back and said that I have a subchorionic hematoma.  The doctor wasn’t in so the nurse will have her call me tomorrow to explain what we do next.  For now I’m on bedrest.

I’ve been doing research on these hematomas, and there are both good and bad outcomes, of course.  One site says that the risk of miscarriage is only increased 5%, another said that the earlier you bleed from it, the higher your risk.  I’ve also read that if you make it through the first semester, you have a high risk for pre-term labor.  Why are these things happening to me?  I know I’m just feeling really down right now, but it’s depressing.  I have two miscarriages, and then instead of a normal pregnancy, I get this?  I mean, I know I haven’t talked to the doctor yet, so there’s a chance it’s just a small hematoma, and of course I didn’t know enough about what was going on during the ultrasound to ask to have it pointed out to me.  The ultrasound tech did show me the area that he could tell was bleeding, and it’s huge.  It’s like more than half the size of my uterus.  If that’s the hematoma, that’s not good.  I’m trying not to worry about it until I talk to the doctor tomorrow.

I’m still bleeding quite a lot.  It’s weird because it’s actual blood, as opposed to tissue or whatever.  Some of it’s pretty clotty, and I’m sorry if this is all way TMI for anyone.  Some of the stories I’ve read on here talk about huge clots. Hopefully this all goes away soon.

I had to tell my boss about my pregnancy.  No one knows except me, G, my doctor’s office and my boss.  How sad is that?  I had to leave work suddenly this afternoon and then I had to call him to tell him that I won’t be in tomorrow and I don’t know about Monday, so I just said that I found out that I’m pregnant and that there are some complications.  All of these issues might mean we’re forced to tell people much sooner than we planned.

I haven’t scanned the image of our baby in yet, but I will.  I don’t know if it was the machine that was used for this ultrasound (which is way more advanced), but the heartbeat seemed a lot more steady.  I got to hear the heartbeat, too, which was just awesome.  I really, really hope that everything turns out alright.

Unreality

So I don’t feel pregnant at all.  Every day, I wonder if there’s been some kind of mistake and that I’m not really pregnant.  I don’t have any kind of morning sickness or queasiness at all, I don’t have sore or tender breasts, no cravings, no food aversions, nothing.  I’m getting anxious for Friday to see for sure that there’s something really there.  We should be seeing a heartbeat.

I’ve just been telling myself that the last two times I did have symptoms, and look how those turned out.  Maybe not having any is a better sign.  Who knows? I have to keep reminding myself about it, and remembering that I can’t eat this or that.  My appointment was originally Friday at 1:00, but I moved it to 4:00 so that G. could come along.  Fridays are slow enough as it is as work, but with something like that to look forward to, it’s going to go even slower.

So I went to get measured for my bridesmaid dress on Saturday.  My mom and sister came with me, so I didn’t say anything while I was being measured, but I called on Monday and explained the situation.  Two of the girls have yet to be measured, so they’re just going to call me when they get ready to order the dresses.  Ideally, it would be in a month so I’d know for sure.  We’ll see.

If we see the heartbeat on Friday, I’ll start taking baby aspirin.  I wonder at what point they’ll have me stop taking progesterone.  I’ve read that most women take them until the second trimester, so we’ll see.  They’re very weird.  They didn’t come with an applicator, which I thought they would, for some reason.  So when I insert them, I keep managing to cut myself with my fingernail so that I have faint blood in the morning.  If I didn’t believe that that’s what it’s from, I’d be a wreck.

This is such a rambling, disjointed post, but that’s kind of how I’m feeling.  I’m trying to read when I’m at home to distract myself and then trying to keep my mind on work while I’m at work.  I haven’t checked any pregnancy sites or anything, and I don’t think I will until I know everything will be fine.  Just waiting for Friday now…