12 weeks, no ultrasound

I’m skipping an ultrasound this week since I have one on Tuesday next week.  I keep telling myself I can do it, I can wait, but it’s so difficult.  And once my 13-week ultrasound is over, what will I do?  How will I get through the days until my 20-week one?  I’ll definitely have to buy a doppler.

So I called my doctor’s office yesterday to ask about my progesterone levels from my Friday blood draw, and they’re up slightly to 17.  My doctor is having me start progesterone suppositories, 200 mg 3 times a day through week 14.  My progesterone shots are supposed to be done next Monday (only 5 left!  I was so happy about that yesterday before talking to the nurse) but now they might make me continue them.  I’m going to try to convince them not to do that.  I’d rather just stay on the suppositories because apparently the shots aren’t really doing anything, anyway.

Here’s what I’m proposing:
- I want to have my progesterone levels drawn weekly once I start the suppositories
- I want to continue the suppositories until week 16
- When I go off the suppositories, I want my level checked a day or two later to see if it starts dropping again.  If it does, I want to continue the suppositories through the second trimester

I came to this conclusion thanks to Dr. Google and I’m pretty comfortable with it.  We’ll see if my doctor agrees.  There shouldn’t be any reason for him not to agree, but who knows.

The super frustrating part of this for me is that apparently my doctor decided to have me go on the suppositories but then didn’t have anyone call to tell me.  I know this because when I called yesterday, his notes were in my chart but he hasn’t been in the office this week.  So he had to have decided that beforehand but didn’t think it was important enough to have someone call me.  I just don’t get it.  If this office weren’t the only game in town I’d definitely be elsewhere.  And I do like the nurses.  They remember me and if they say they’ll call, they do.  Argh!

I started crying last night while watching American Idol I think just because I was so frustrated by this whole situation.  I wasn’t even thinking about it, I was talking about how I thought Anoop did really well and then I burst into tears.  Poor G was so confused.

We did take a belly shot for 12 weeks, which turned out pretty bad.  I was getting ready for bed when I reminded G that we needed to take it and we just quickly took it.  Oh, well, you can at least see my belly (and my giant boob).  I’ll definitely pay more attention next time to how it turns out so it’s more flattering.

My belly at 12 weeks

11 week ultrasound

So, yeah, I couldn’t wait until the 24th for my next ultrasound.    I called yesterday to make an appointment down in the radiology department and got in today.  And of course, everything was fine.  Radiology always, always does an external abdominal ultrasound first, even when you’re only 6 weeks, which drives me crazy because they can never see anything that early and always have to a vaginal one and then I get charged for both.  But this time I was far enough along that I only had the external one.

I’m getting pretty good at reading ultrasounds.  I should, I mean this was like my 20th one.  But the external ones are hard because nothing looks right.  So I wasn’t even sure I was looking at the baby until she turned on the sound so I could hear the heartbeat, which was 168.

The baby was measuring 11w6d, 4 days ahead, but she did say that my bladder wasn’t full enough so maybe she couldn’t get a good view of what to measure.  Or maybe I’ve just got a big baby.    G. and his brothers were all 9- and 10-pounders, so it is a possibility, I suppose.  I was my mom’s biggest baby at 7 pounds.  Hopefully things go more that way.

So now I’ve got a week and a half until my week 13 ultrasound.  I can’t wait to get to that point.  I’ve held off on getting a doppler because I realized that I most likely wouldn’t be able to hear the heartbeat on it for a few weeks and I don’t think I could deal with the anxiety of not hearing anything.  I thought it was funny, though, when I suggested getting one to G., he was shocked that you could actually buy them.  He thought that they would be $600 or more, which I thought was cute.

And when I sent this ultrasound pic to G. once I got back to work after my appointment, he couldn’t tell where the baby was at all.  It is kind of hard to see, I guess.  I was kind of disappointed it wasn’t clearer but I suppose the vaginal ultrasound for week 13 will have much better detail.

Our baby at 11w2d

10 week ultrasound

I hate how when they first start an ultrasound you see the baby and then it takes a few seconds to see the heartbeat.  I think my heart stops and I don’t breathe during those few seconds.  Then, there’s the heart, beating away!  It’s such a relief to see that.

The doctor I had this week wasn’t as compassionate as last week’s, so I didn’t really get to see the baby move very much.  He aimed the screen at me and I saw the heartbeat and saw the baby wiggle a little and then he turned it away to take his measurements.  The baby was measuring right on this week and his or her little heart was beating away, although he didn’t measure it again.

He did tell me that he didn’t see any point in continuing the weekly ultrasounds because at this point he’s confident that everything will be fine.  In my initial relief I agreed, but now I’m not so sure.  March 24 is a long ways off.  He also recommended I not get an at-home doppler to hear the baby because I might not find it right away and get worried.  We’ll see.  I did some initial searching for places you can rent them from and some of them require a prescription.  I looked at eBay to see about buying one, but a lot of the listings mention that you need to be a certified healthcare provider or they won’t sell to you.  If you’re using one (Meg, I know you have one), where did you get yours from?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned how my thyroid has been acting up or not, but my TSH, which is supposed to be between 1-1.5, is .02, so they’re having me stop my medication and retest in a month.  I guess pregnancy hormones can cause your thyroid to function more normally than it does when you’re not pregnant.  Which is good, I guess.  One less pill to take!  Plus, I usually take it when I wake up and you can’t eat for a hour afterwards, but I’ve been so hungry when I wake up it’s hard to wait.  Now I won’t have to.

Another problem is my progesterone.  The nurse called this morning and said my progesterone check last Friday showed it being at 12.  Not good at all.  However, my ultrasound this week was fine, and the doctor had my results and didn’t say anything to me about increasing my progesterone dosage or anything, so he must think it’s fine.  He didn’t even mention what the level was to me, which drives me crazy.  Did he think I was better off not knowing?  Probably, because now I think I might call back and tell them I don’t want to stop the weekly ultrasounds after all.  Seriously, though, I was just starting to think how everything might actually work out this time, and now this.  It could still be nothing, but it’s just such a downer.

But since the baby looked great and the doctor said he thinks everything will work out and he’d seen my progesterone level when he said that, I’m trying to take confidence from that.

I don’t know at what point I’ll actually believe that things will work out, though.

Our baby at 10w1d

9 week ultrasound

This week’s ultrasound was neat.  The baby was moving around, waving its little arms.  I said it looked like it was dancing, G. said the baby was waving at us.  It was so cool!  I knew that the baby started moving this week, but for some reason I didn’t think we’d actually get to see it.  I was in the room with their oldest ultrasound machine which couldn’t monitor the baby’s heart rate, but the doctor said it looked around 150-160, which is great.

We’ve never had a successful ultrasound past 8 weeks, so it feels like a kind of milestone.  We’ve at least made it further than ever before.

I’ve still been having lots of morning sickness, which is good.  Thursday I left work an hour early because I was going to be really sick.  I barely made it home in time.  I took a nap and then ate some soup, which came back up later on that night.  Oh, and I’ve found that sometimes B6 works miracles.  My doctor told me to take 25 mg of B6 three times a day if I’m sick and sometimes I can take it when I start to feel really nauseous and it works nearly instantly, but other times it doesn’t seem to do anything.

G. was able to come to my ultrasound this week because it was early in the morning.  He’d been super anxious and said he didn’t feel relieved until later that afternoon once it finally sunk it that we’d seen our baby still looking great and moving around and everything.  Though I think he’s back to anxious again, so we’re just waiting for Wednesday, when he’ll get to come to that one, too.

Another pregnancy symptom that’s been bothering me more lately is my breasts.  They’re super sore, almost bruised feeling.  Oh, and I’m having trouble finding things to drink.  Most water has the most disgusting taste to it.  So far I’ve only found Evian to be the only water that doesn’t have a taste.  And, of course, it’s expensive, so I’m trying to find a cheaper water with no flavor to it but haven’t been successful yet.  I am assuming that that will go away once I’m past the first trimester?

Our baby at 9w2d

8 week ultrasound

At today’s ultrasound, where I am 8w1d, the baby measured exactly 8w1d (as you can see in the pic at the bottom).  That’s the first time that this has ever happened to me.  Hopefully a good sign!

My next appt. is next Thursday and I managed to schedule it for a time that G. can come to, too.  I’m super nervous for that one, because it was at my 9-week u/s that we found out we’d lost the baby last time.  I’m just taking things a week at a time.

My doctor did mention that I can take some B6 to help with the nausea.  My morning sickness has gradually become an all-day thing now.  I wake up feeling slightly sick but it slowly gets worse throughout the day, especially after lunch.  I get home from work and don’t move from the couch the rest of the night.  Those accupressure bands I ordered last week are supposed to be here Friday, so I’m hoping they work.  The weirdest part is feeling like I’m about to be sick and yet starving at the same time.

My shots are still going ok, but I’m having trouble with the progesterone shots in my left hip.  They hurt way more than the right side, and I have no idea why that would be.  Maybe I have more nerves on that side?  Who knows.  I am getting pretty good at giving myself the shots, though.  Not that I like it much, but it is getting easier.

I did get to see and hear the heartbeat, but she didn’t measure it, just saying that it looked great.  And I have heard that lots of morning sickness means a girl, so we’ll see if you’re right when the time comes, Meg! 

Our baby at 8w1d

7 week ultrasound

The baby’s still doing good!  His/her heart rate was 171, up from 118 last week.  He or she is also measuring just about right, which I was so glad to hear.  The doctor I saw said we can be “cautiously optimistic” that everything will work out fine, but I’ll reserve judgment until after my 10 week ultrasound.  I’ll continue my weekly ultrasounds up to 13 weeks, when I have my first doctor/nurse appt.

Also, morning sickness seems to have hit with a vengeance.  I couldn’t finish my dinner last night because I was feeling sick and then a couple of hours later it was coming back up.  Ew.  I went right to bed after that, but when I woke up during the night I was still feeling sick.  It’s better now, but just a low-grade nausea.  I know it’s a good sign, but I ordered some Psi Bands to try to help.  I don’t know anyone who has used them, so I’m not sure if they work, but I’m willing to give them a try.  (Oh, and they were way cheaper through Amazon.)

Our baby at 7w2d

Remembering

You know, I briefly mentioned a little while ago about my aunt who thinks we have difficulty getting pregnant because I’ve only told her about the first two miscarriages.  I know that my miscarriages and everyone else’s miscarriages, too, are such private things.  After my first, all of a sudden there were all these people I knew telling me that they’d had miscarriages, too.  Sometimes I feel really conflicted about keeping things so quiet.  I feel that by not being open about our losses that I’m just perpetuating this whole veil of silence around pregnancy loss.  Then other times I’m very glad that people don’t know because it is an intensely private thing and it’s nobody’s business but ours.  I do wonder if once I’ve had a successful pregnancy I’ll feel more open to sharing our story with people I know.

I also feel that by not talking about my previous pregnancies that I’m not acknowledging that they existed.  Like our previous five babies don’t count or aren’t important.  I remember each one of them.  For Christmas we bought five angel ornaments that we hung on the tree in remembrance of them.  I also pondered getting a tattoo, something small, maybe like 5 tiny little hearts or something to show that they’ll always be a part of me even though they’re not here.  Although I don’t know about the whole needle portion of getting the tattoo.

Our fourth baby was due last week, on Feb. 2nd, so I suppose that that and my current pregnancy are why I’m thinking about this so much lately.

7 weeks tomorrow and I’m whiny

Well, I gave ample warning in my title there;  I’m whiny.  I’m exhausted and I’m tired of feeling like a pincushion.  And I’ve got 9 more months of this!

The Lovenox isn’t too awful (it burns pretty bad but I just inject it suuuuper sloooow), but I’m running out of places to do the shots.  Plus, I’m on the thin side so my flab is mostly limited to the area right around my belly button.  I can grab to the right and left of my belly button but not above or below.  Plus, I have a 3-inch long appendectomy scar on my right side and you’re supposed to avoid it by a couple of inches.  I wonder what happens when you start getting bigger?  Well, I’ll worry about that when the time comes.

The progesterone shots are definitely the worst for me.  The needle is super long and pretty thick.  I was going to have G. inject that, but realized that I can’t relinquish control of the actual jab.  So I stick the needle in and he comes in and injects it.  Pretty silly, I know, but it works for us.  I have to say, that first progesterone shot took like 10 minutes of me building up to the actual jab.

I’m pretty proud of myself for how well I’m handing all of these needles, considering how much I’m afraid of them.  I’ve had fillings without Novacaine and I once had to have my broken finger reset and I refused the shot because of the needle.  I’d rather have the pain.  But it’s actually better if I’m in control of it.  I don’t know that I could have someone else inject me with the Lovenox.  I really have to take a brief break when I reach that intense burn and then inject a little more and rest, inject and rest.  It would be too painful to have someone else doing it.

Last Thursday we had our first ultrasound and got to see our baby’s little heart beating!  I was a little nervous when they first started the abdominal portion because the tech said he could see the sac and it was probably about 4 weeks.  I was like, “Well, that’s not right, it’s supposed to be 6 weeks, 2 days.”  He flat-out told me, “Well, we’ll see when we do the vaginal one, but I’m usually right.”  So he had to eat those words when we did the vaginal.  He said, “You’re right.  I’d say 6 weeks.”  The heartbeat was 118, which is kinda low, but still normal for as early as it was, according to Dr. Google. 

During the vaginal ultrasound, we found a small blood clot that is not within the endometrium that they think is leftover implantation bleeding.  So I’m not supposed to worry if I spot a bit as it passes, or it might be reabsorbed.  Yeah, right.  I’ll always worry when I see bleeding.

I’ve got another ultrasound this Thursday, and I’m really hoping things are progressing the way they should.  I wish I could be one of those women who doesn’t realize she’s pregnant until she’s like 4 months.  Then I’d skip this whole nervewracking portion of the program.  Although, since I’m supposed to be on meds, I guess that wouldn’t really work out.

Anyway, as a combination of the progesterone and just being pregnant, I’m exhausted.  And yet I lie awake for about half an hour before I fall asleep each night.  So frustrating.  Yesterday I took a two hour nap and then didn’t fall asleep until after midnight and tossed and turned all night.  Not fun.  And the dreams I have when I’m asleep!  Last week I dreamt that I slept with Keifer Sutherland (I didn’t get to experience any of the actual good part, though) and I couldn’t understand why G. was mad about it.  I actually told him, “Well you weren’t here.”  What the heck?  Then the very next night I dreamt that Brad Pitt was going to leave Angelina Jolie to be with me.  Yeah, awesome, but in my dream I was like, “You can’t do that.  What about all of those kids?”  I didn’t even get to sleep with him!  What kind of Brad Pitt dream is that?  I didn’t even get a kiss!

Last night I had a sex dream, too, but I can’t really remember it.  I wonder if this is all because we’re on a self-imposed pelvic rest.  I always spotted after we’d have sex in my previous pregnancies, so we just decided to wait until after the first trimester this time.  If we’re doing everything possible, we’re doing everything (or in this case, nothing).  Oh, well, just 5 more weeks!

Our baby at 6w2d

Only 5 weeks? Really?

Last Monday I called my doctor’s office to let them know I was pregnant and to talk about the drugs that they wanted me on.  My doctor himself actually called me back (a first!) to tell me that he’d talked to a specialist who had made some recommendations and that he wanted to do a “full-court press” so that if something happens this time, we’ll know that we did everything possible.  So I’ll be doing Lovenox shots, taking baby aspirin and also injecting progesterone in oil until I’m 12 or 14 weeks.  I’m glad because it feels liked I’m actually going to be doing something, but of course, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly.

It’s been a week now and I still haven’t gotten my prescriptions.  I have to go through a specific insurance-related pharmacy that requires stupid forms from my doctor’s office that are different from the normal forms that every other insurance requires.  Of course.  I finally got them to ship me out the Lovenox today, which should arrive tomorrow.  The progesterone should hopefully be here on Wednesday.  We’ll see.

I’ve been reading tips about injecting the Lovenox and progesterone and I’m more nervous about the progesterone.  The needle is pretty thick and looks really long.  One woman mentioned that her husband just jabs it into her “like a dart” and I swear I got weak just reading that.  Thankfully it’ll only be for 2 months.  The Lovenox I’m not as worried about.  When I had back surgery I had to have heparin every 12 hours for the week I was in there and after a few days it didn’t burn as much and the needles didn’t freak me out so much.  I’m just hoping that that will be the case this time, too, because as I’ve said, I generally like to stay as far away from needles as possible.

On the pregnancy front, I’m not really sure how I feel.  Other than the weird pressure I get in early pregnancy, I don’t have any other symptoms.  Every once in awhile I feel slightly nauseous, but that’s it.  Although, I’ll only be 5 weeks tomorrow.  So I guess I’m not surprised.  It just already feels like I’ve been pregnant for months.    Next week will be my first ultrasound of the weekly ultrasounds of the first trimester.  Hopefully that goes well.

Back on the rollercoaster again

So even though today was only 12 dpo, I woke up at 4:30 this morning and took a test.  It was positive.  I knew it was going to be, and it’s sad that my only thought on seeing the two lines was, “I knew it.”  I don’t know if it still hasn’t really hit me or what, but I mostly feel like I’m bracing myself in case something bad happens again.

I’m supposed to call my doctor tomorrow to start taking progesterone and Lovenox and I’m anxious about giving myself the shots.  I’ll do whatever I need to for this baby, but I still dread the whole needle thing.  Did you know you can actually watch people inject themselves with Lovenox on YouTube?  Well, you can.  So G. and I watched a couple last week to see what to expect, and yikes.  I don’t know, maybe it’ll be easier giving myself the shots than having someone else do it?  I hope so.

My due date is September 29.  I was thinking about this and realized that I’ve passed the due dates for three of my pregnancies so far.  My fourth pregnancy was due in a couple of weeks, on February 2nd.

I’m amazed at my capacity to hope.  Even after all that’s happened I still finding myself hoping that everything will turn out all right instead of being sure that they won’t.  If for some reason things don’t work out I don’t think I’ll be surprised, but I’m still really, really hoping that we’ll have a healthy baby next fall.

I started feeling pregnant last Tuesday, which was only 7dpo.  I had some cramping, which I thought might be implantation cramping, but it didn’t fully go away, changing into those weird twinges I always get in early pregnancy.  I didn’t mention anything to G. because I didn’t want him to ask me if I thought I was pregnant.  So I didn’t tell him I was taking the test this morning.  After I came back to bed he got up to use the bathroom and saw the test I had left on the counter.  The test line was darker than I expected for this early, which I’m hoping is a good sign.  My last pregnancy I had tested negative on 12dpo and had very faint lines on my positive test at 17dpo.  Who knows?

I’m not sure what tests my doctor’s office will want me to do, whether they’ll want my hCG tested or whatnot, and I’m really curious to find out how much the Lovenox is going to cost me.  I’ve found widely different amounts online and my insurance company said that they will cover some of it but they can’t tell me how much until they get a prescription.  So we’ll see.

So I’m one of thoses people who get pregnant in the same cycle as the HSG.    Fingers crossed that I stay pregnant this time!

positive pregnancy test 12dpo