No, I’m not pregnant. No, I don’t know why.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post about how I miscarried a baby who would’ve been born last April. When I got pregnant, we weren’t really even trying, it was more of a “Well, if it happens, it happens,” kind of attitude (which could be why it happened on the first try). My miscarriage was last October at about 12-13 weeks, which required a D&C. I had to wait until February to start trying again, and anyone who says that the fun is in the trying has never actively tried to get pregnant.

The stupidest thing that well-meaning friends and family say to me is along the lines of: “Don’t think about it,” “Don’t worry about it,” “Just relax, it’ll happen.” To them it must sound like good advice, but trust me, it isn’t. How can I not think about it when I have to wake up at the same time every morning to take my basal temperature to chart my cycle? How can I relax about it when I have to check my cervical fluid every day to see if I’m the most fertile? How can I not worry about it when I’m waiting to see if my OPK shows that I’m ovulating? And then after I ovulate, it’s waiting 14 days so I can take a test. How can I not think about something that I have to think about every single day?

I mean, I’m not too stressed out about it or anything, despite what the tone of this post says. I know it will happen, but I’m just not a very patient person. It seems to me that it should just happen, you know? I read somewhere how even if everything is perfectly timed, you still only have a 1-in-4 chance of getting pregnant. Here’s hoping that I have good news soon.

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I’m just full of good ideas

It doesn’t matter how much you love your job if you have horrible coworkers. The greatest job in the world can suck horribly because of the people you work with. That’s why I suggest that offices move to enclosed, sound-proofed cubicles. Then you can e-mail or instant message your coworkers and only have to interact with them on a limited basis. That guy who sits next to you and clears his throat all day long or sniffles constantly won’t be a bother anymore. And you won’t have to hear that woman with the annoying laugh talking all the time. Truly, this is such a great idea.

I really loved my last job, but I think it was mostly because of my great coworkers, not because of the job. (The website development company I worked for was going under, so paychecks were bouncing or being held, and the government was after them for back taxes. So it was definitely my coworkers that made it so great.) Because of the nature of the work, the company employed a lot of recent college grads (including both me and my husband) and we all had a lot of fun. I met one of my really good friends while working there.

That’s one bad thing about getting a new job; you never know what kind of coworkers you’re getting. It would be nice if they told you everyone’s annoyances before you accepted the job. That Jane clips her fingernails constantly or that John is a know-it-all who butts in on every conversation to give you his two cents. It would make it easier to turn down a job you’re not sure you’re going to like if you know you’ll hate your coworkers. Of course, none of that would bother you as much if you had your own sound-proofed cube.

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Under the influence

It’s funny to realize how much I have influenced my husband without realizing it. Yesterday was a good example. I feed the animals around our house – squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, birds – and really like watching them all. Anyway, last night G was on the phone with his oldest brother, and I heard this: “Yeah, Ellie feeds the animals around here, the chippies, squirrels and bunnies… you know, the rabbits and stuff.” Apparently he forgot he was talking to a guy at first and had to throw the “rabbits and stuff” in there to sound more manly.

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No one does crazy like family

This weekend wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. My sister and her friends all stayed away from all of us adults the entire time, pretty much. And they did all stay out in their tents through the mini hurricane that blew through early Saturday morning, which was nice.

All of the craziness that came about was as a result of my family. My cousin had her baby shower so a bunch of our family came up for the shower and I ended up helping to babysit my other cousin’s four-month-old son. He is super cute, but he peed through his diaper onto my jeans at a benefit party we were at on Saturday night and then was fussy most of Sunday because he’s teething. It was so weird to look at him and realize that if I hadn’t had the miscarriage, my child would be one month younger than him. Now that would be craziness.

Baby Chase looking cute so I’ll forgive him for peeing on me.

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A weekend in hell

Tonight my husband and I are heading down to my parents’ summer house for my sister’s sweet 16 party. The house is going to be packed with about 15 16-year-old girls and boys. I am NOT looking forward to this, but my mom said we had to come because she’ll need the help. All of these kids are supposed to be sleeping in tents in the backyard, but I just checked the weather and it’s supposed to thunderstorm and be 50° tonight, so I really doubt they’re going to. Which means we’re all going to be crammed in the house.

It just goes to show how your parents are completely different parents the older they get. I was 11 and my brother 10 when my sister was born, and I can tell you that my mom would not have allowed me to have a co-ed party, let alone have 15 people spend the weekend for my 16th birthday. I try not to say anything because really, I’m supposed to be an adult and not whine about how unfair it is that she gets a car for her birthday when I didn’t get a car until I was 20. So instead I say it to my husband in a normal tone of voice, because then it’s not whining, it’s stating a fact.

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It’s a boring boring boring boring life

I am the most boring person I know. Seriously. Here is an overview of a typical day in my life: I get up at 7:00, I get ready and go to work, I work, I leave work at 5:00 and come home, I read until 6:00, I make dinner and eat, I read some more and maybe do laundry or watch some TV, I get ready for bed and I go to sleep at 11:00. And of course I talk to my husband in there, but really, that’s about it. The weekends vary, of course, but still, it’s a pretty staid existence, all in all.

Tonight some people from work are going out and invited me along, but all I can think is that I won’t get home until late and I’ll have to shower because I’ll stink from the bar and then I’ll be tired tomorrow. See how boring that is? It’s been four years since I graduated college, not forty. How did I get this boring so quickly?

I swear I’ve got some sort of social phobia. I hate going out. I usually have a good time once I’m out, but the getting there is the hard part. And I know if I don’t go out with them tonight, tomorrow they’ll all be talking about something hilarious that happened and saying, “You should’ve been there.” Will I go out tonight? Chances are pretty slim. I do have to do laundry, you know.

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Journey to nowhere

I think I’m having a late-twenties crisis. Such a thing does exist. My friend actually bought a book about it because she’s going through the same thing. It feels like my life is going off in this direction that I never intended it to. I feel frozen, like I’m not sure what to do to get my life back on track. And for some bizarre reason, I keep thinking that if I could just go to Ireland, everything would be fine. I know, how weird is that? So I’m not planning to go to Ireland yet because I know I’d just be disappointed when I come back and realize that my life is exactly how I left it, only now I have pictures of Ireland.

But what do I want to do with my life? I have no fucking clue! Seriously, when you think about it, isn’t 18 way too young to decide what you should do for the rest of your life? I mean, I know most people end up changing careers a few times during their lives, but still. I did an eeny meeny miney moe through the course book to find my major. And even before I graduated I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t about to start all over again. I feel very stressed about the whole situation. Growing up they tell you that you can be whatever you want to be, and that is a whole lot of pressure. How do you figure out what you want to do? Obviously, I didn’t succeed very well at that. I keep asking myself, “If you could go back to school, what would you major in this time?” And I have no idea whatsoever.

Does everyone feel this dissatisfied with their life, or is it just me? Maybe I need to see a therapist.

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Our tale begins…

…with a couple in their late-twenties (that’d be me and my husband). We’ve been married for three years and have been together for seven and a half years. My husband is truly a great husband. He does the dishes and almost all of the cleaning. He pretty much has to, or it would never get done. I cook and do the laundry, though he ends up folding it most of the time. When I put it down in writing like this, it makes it look like he’s getting a pretty raw deal. I am so lucky and I know it. I’m not quite sure what he gets out of this deal, but I’m pretty sure I benefit the most from it.

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